Heart grows calmer but colder

Having a catch up with the blog tonight. Hard to describe what I’ve been going through the last few weeks. Some good but mostly very low.

Had a nice couple of evenings out. One with the work colleagues for a leaving do and a family birthday.

Both made me feel good for a while but it leaves me wanting to be social again. And I struggle to really fit in and feel like I’ll never get the true feelings of belonging that I once had.

Went to the pub Tuesday and was once accosted by someone who was determined to make sure I wasn’t alone.

I can see the good intentions but it’s honestly making me so much more like an a social freak. It’s paradoxically making me feel all the more like a complete reject.

In the darkest times I truly feel such deep jealous hatred for those who have friends so easy and natural.

I am still in a state of subtle but deep depression where there doesn’t seem any point to doing anything.

Spending so much time now just lying down with a video on. My mental strength only stretches so far and I’ve been stress testing it to see how much I can tolerate. And I’m tolerating less and less.

It feels now that I can no longer dig deep into the psychoanalysis without actually feeling nauseous dread.

I feel what I was feeling a year ago, that I need to burn my old life away, cut out the part of me that died and restart my life completely from scratch.

It’s been a long time since I could release my negative emotions. And the truth is I never did get any of the anger out of my system. Just dragging it along as it weighs down my spirit.

Giving some serious consideration to joining a boxing gym and taking up the gloves.

I’ve talked with my sister in law about doing something to get the anger out, but it’s something I have a fundamental block around. Just can’t express myself that way around other people.

I had a lightbulb moment earlier today. Thinking about how truly strongly I am affected by others. I’ve learned the hard way just how damaging it is for me to put myself out into the world.

I’ve earned the right to protect myself now that I know how badly I can get hurt. For the time being I want to be alone again and I want to distance myself from others and just forget about them until it stops hurting.

Shut myself away from the world again because every time I open up I end up feeling the same old betrayals and abandonments.

I need my own space now to be truly free within myself and to be able to unleash the dark energy that decimates my mind.

I’m slowly learning of the full extent of how my psychological make up is so detrimental to mental health and despite how hard I cling to it, my edges are beginning to soften.

I’m not fighting myself so much now to conquer every enemy but instead slowly putting myself back together and recognising that I have limitations that should be respected.

Life may not be so exciting for the time being but I no longer feel things are worth pursuing with the same old manic addiction.

Thanks for reading and kindest regards as ever.

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