Well it’s been quite an epiphany light bulb moment but I feel like something has clicked and I sense I’ve finally hit that mark and now I’m back into the real me.
Been late for work a couple of times recently and I had to admit that I’m struggling to organise myself and keep on track.
It felt good to admit and it allowed me to readjust my thinking. Opened me up to new ideas which I hope to explore this weekend.
Now I’ve got a better idea of how my brain works I can begin to form a plan to live the right way. I’ve been doing it so wrong for so long.
I absolutely shouldn’t feel any shame for who I am and what I want. I should feel ashamed at being so ashamed.
So what can I say about how and why? Social anxiety – it plays hell with me because it prevents me from being everything that I should be in accordance with my deepest desires.
I’ve always felt I was trapped in the wrong mind. That might be true quite literally. That I couldn’t be myself and was forced to become someone else out of fear. Fear of myself maybe. Fear of others certainly.
And you might well say that only other people can influence us to fear and hate ourselves. We would never see ourselves that way without falling under the spell of believing others instead of believing ourselves.
I hope the time I spend alone can strengthen my inner beliefs and inner resolve so I can can stop giving a fuck about what other people think of me.
So I believe now that my personality type is actually ESTP. I thought I was INFJ but it seems that was actually my subconscious.
I’m an INFJ when I’m depressed. They say that depression comes with a personality change. I’ve got the same tools but I use them in the opposite order.
Without the anxiety I would be well and truly extroverted, living life to the max, seeking and spreading love while not caring about anything.
I love physically interacting with the world and I feel like a hero when I give pleasure to others.
I use my rational brain to solve problems and I feel like a healthy adult when I can figure out how to do something.
I blindly seek love and harmony from others to please the selfish inner child.
I’m stubbornly singleminded in how I see and interpret the world but my will is the weakest link. My own intentions and those of others are probably the real cause of my social anxiety and insecurities.
And to quickly dip into the shadow.
I worry deeply about loyalty and need to test the loyalty of those around me to keep me safe and give me routine.
I get actively defensive when people criticise me as it feels like people are trying stop me from growing and developing.
When I’m rejected and unloved the inner child does what children do when they’re scared and runs away. I hide my true feelings where no one can see them.
If I’m being watched and observed it feels like I’m being controlled my mind is filled with intense loathing and hatred. This is my biggest demon and biggest hypocrisy.
To sum I realise how much I’ve internalized. So much negativity directed towards people like me that I had turned on myself for my own detriment.
I have become woke in the true sense. I can now admit that I’m much more vain and shallow than I had thought. I wanted to think of myself as deep and soulful because I had been led to believe these were the desired characteristics. I’m interested in people who are because they represent something that I lack.
I’ve tried to emulate people like that to fit in and feel accepted but it was at the highest possible cost. That I had abandoned myself and lived a fraudulent existence.
It’s going to be a wild ride to start living the life I want without anxiety and maybe I’ll always be rusty. For the first time in my life I’ve got a genuine reason to get myself physically healthy and strong.
Getting mentally healthy will always be the acid test. I simply don’t and never have seen any worth in living this pointless non-living existence.
Plan for the weekend is to actually plan things. Plot a course towards following my dreams. Also to develop a healthy routine so I’m actually taking charge over the little things. It would be nice to actually prepare myself for every tomorrow instead of waking up as a hostage of life’s demands.
So many opportunities now, different things I like doing. I’ve never been very good at making decisions. I think there’s scope here for giving each thing a turn for a short time.
Honestly never thought about things this way before but I’d like to make each day more variety based.
What I can actually give to humanity is only my own particular flavour of humanity.
I can sum up anxiety by saying that it’s the feeling that things aren’t going to be ok. And if I’m not doing what I do and love, of course things aren’t going to be ok.
So why the fuck am I not doing that already? I’m so out of practise. Lived my whole life under my own shadow.
The lesson to learn is that you should never be afraid to admit when things aren’t going well. Just be honest with yourself and those around you.
Life is a series of lessons, don’t ever think you are perfect the way you are. Ask yourself what you’d rather be doing and how you can be doing it.
Love of humanity only comes when you learn to love yourself.
Thanks for reading. All my love to those who do.