It’s a been long hard journey hasn’t it? Trying to figure out who I am and who I’m supposed to be. Mercilessly chasing the answers to the question if how to be mentally healthy.
Finally reached a point where I’m just comforting and consoling myself. Going through the pain was tough but I had myself to show compassion and it makes confronting the pain somewhat easier.
Not feeling hopeless or sorry for myself but actually being the one to give myself the hug of compassion that I needed. Is it going to be ok. I don’t know yet but it start.
Compassion has done something for me. Understanding and empathy that I’ve just not gotten from anyone else. It’s made me feel justified in being angry and has helped make me more willing to stand up for myself.
I’ve been so hard on myself and everyone else because I had the compassion and understanding beaten out of me by the poisonous influence of those who have always treated me as someone who needed to be helped instead of hugged.
So I’m a vulnerable autistic adult who was taught to always do the right thing but never taught that it’s ok to do the wrong thing or that sometimes I need to defend myself by doing something others might find hurtful.
To this day I’m still facing pressure to be more considerate to others even when I’m clearly struggling to look after myself. Yes I need people around me to feel happy but I get overwhelmed and need time alone to recover and calm down.
Thanks to my autistic social anxiety I have no choice but to consider others at the expense of myself. Every time I’m in the company of someone else I’m always on eggshells, placing myself in their heads, trying to please them, or not pissing them off, or not scaring them away, or not boring them, or not worrying them, or not doing something embarrassing, trying not to be too distant or too clingy, not to look like an idiot, or come across as too knowing.
Where’s the real me in all of this mess? It ain’t where it should be, in the drivers seat of my mind.
I think self-compassion is the first step towards healthy boundaries and hence self-respect. I’m a natural born lover and I make decisions with my heart, not my head. My anxiety has always robbed me of the most important parts of myself.
And I need now to accept that it is what it is and hopefully I’ll learn how to live in a way where I can defend myself and feel like things are going to be ok.
But I need people around me to understand that I need time and space to do things in my own way and I need them to know and accept that my life is extremely difficult to live. That in itself would make my life so much better.
I’ll take responsibility for the crappy things I’ve done but I did my best under the circumstances of my situation. The way others see me and treat me is massive in terms of how I see myself.
I’ve been running away from the truth for so long because it is so painful to admit. I’m not the person people think I am and I’m not the person I tell myself I am.
I want to paradoxically apologise for always apologising. Time to stop blaming myself for every fault and say it’s ok. People worry about me because I always take things too far and go to very dark places. And when they do I absorb it like a sponge and start to worry about myself even more.
That’s when I really have to escape from reality.
Of course I’m still grieving. I’m grieving the loss of the life I could have had. I’m grieving every little thing, big and small, that could have been. I felt and still feel powerless against the force of my own sensitivity.
To put it simply I simply need compassion, more than most other people. I guess I’m probably capable of giving myself enough at the end of the day. I can’t really rely on others for it so I’m going to have to do it myself.
I only want to live by my own rules. Doing so may well hurt others and I will always try avoid hurting others. But it’s my life at the end of the day.
I’ve only got so much compassion to give and I want to be selective about who gets it. I’m giving it all to me at the moment and will continue to do so while I continue to grieve.
We all know this is a thing, some of us just aren’t allowed to cry in front of other people. To look weak or vulnerable, to be hurting in public. It is because of my deep desire to see people happy that I won’t allow myself to let go and cry.
All I want to do tonight is cry. I’ve tried a little this week but it’s just scratched the surface. Let the zealous mission of mental health take a break and be sad. Be ok to be sad. Yes I don’t want to be sad but I still need to because I haven’t fully expressed it.
And here’s the thing that still hurts. My autism is not a social ill that needs to be fixed. My issues shouldn’t make people worry. My need for solitude and relaxation is not a license for people to think I’m not doing anything useful.
Being different does not mean I need to be taken to see a professional counsellor. My struggles do not mean I need to be helped. I don’t need or want people to worry about me when I’m grieving in my own way. No matter how long it takes me to overcome.
Like every human being I need the same thing. Attention, company, respect, friendship, something to do, distractions from the emptiness of existence.
The correlation of autism and poor mental health should be understood as the result of being treated like you are broken and not being treated in a way that respects you are different.
Hey guess what, ever had a meltdown in public? Ever felt horrifically uncomfortable being asked to do something? Were you treated with compassion? Did anyone understand and acknowledge you were suffering?
What possible reason would any human being have to hate themselves and stop caring? Because we are all dependent others to shape who we are.
Kindest Regards and have a big hug from me
Jamie x
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