Clocks go forward – all else goes backward

Having a bad day today. Combination of a number if things. Cumulation of tiredness. Really need to some time off soon.

Didn’t sleep very well last night. Not just losing an hour in the night but basically barely sleeping into well past morning. 3 bad dreams in the last 2 nights. 2 of which came after finally nodded at about 7 this morning. Eventually slept until 1.30pm when I was woken up.

Time for the favour I have to give every weekend, usually Saturday but this weekend it’s the Sunday.

I didn’t feel particularly well so I didn’t accept giving the return lift. A compromise which was what had been normal but changes in circumstances have seen a increase in the demand placed on me.

I just can’t do it today. Too tired. Too wound up and anxious. Yes the gradual increase in demand on my time and expectation placed on me without anyone offering to support me has just caused a full blown anxiety attack today.

To keep the recent habit of talking about anxiety, today it’s the massive in the stomach that accompanies the anticipation that something bad will happen.

On a day to day basis, the more I’m forced out of my comfort by demands or expectations, the more and more I feel that something bad will happen. The more tired I get the less equipped I am to fight those feelings. Less and less am I equipped to actually deal with anything that does go wrong.

When the brain goes haywire there’s simply no way to deal with anything. The only option is to run away and escape.

I’ve come out tonight to watch the England football match in the pub. It’s nice and quiet in here. I don’t feel like talking much so this blog will probably end up fairly short.

Other than the need to express that I’m struggling today I don’t have much to say. I didn’t want to go out today, wanted to just stop in, lie down and veg in front of a screen. I’m not happy at home but I’m too tired to go and find my own place.

Too anxious to leave my room except to smoke out the back garden. Stuck in a cycle where I don’t feel free enough or safe enough to do anything that might change things.

I don’t really feel good at any time and haven’t done since losing my friends. Not sober at least anyway.

And there is too little positivity or motivation going on today. Don’t have any words of encouragement or support. Just running away today. Not caring about anything. Will take something to help me sleep tonight and try to get as much rest as possible.

Plan for tomorrow at work is to do the 2 things I’ve been putting off that should have been last week and actually then booking time off work. The first week I can take off the better. Maybe look to take a day or two in the next couple of weeks.

Long term plan, remove any source of pressure, demand or expectation that I can. Only care about getting myself rested and recovered.

Fuck everything else.

Thanks as always for reading xx

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