Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings and time for another blog. Busy times, work, rest and play. And more besides.

Not really sure where to start today. How am I feeling at the moment? A bit of everything except any form of contentment.

Work continues to be stressful but I get through it. And perhaps tonight is me treating myself as some small reward. And I have been looking forward to it.

Don’t have my usual saturday drive tomorrow so it’s the first friday outing in some time. No real target for tonight, just to spend time on myself. Expressing myself some. Not that there’s much focus on anything.

A strange feeling of calmness, the calm before the storm of being out in the pub drinking. Determined to chill out some and enjoy tonight.

I should talk a little about the resurgence of grief that I’ve been experiencing recently. Time always to reflect on the living of life that was lost. The growing fear that I won’t ever feel that deep sense of love again.

Haven’t been feeling much love at all. Just shutting everyone and everything out as always. I have not been happy where I am for some time and continue to be too drained and defeated to make any changes.

Ah but it feels like just one more fix, one more hit of that good grief stuff. Like wrestling with an adddiction. Something I just can’t ever truly let go of.

You know times like these, just getting out and writing my blog, focusing on myself. I enjoyed it and it feels like I should start enjoying it again. For whatever therapeutic value it has it feels good when I’m in this mood.

The grief doesn’t feel good of course, but trying to  deal with it does.

Last weekend I went on a nostalgic binge of some early-noughties dance music. Digging out old compilation videos on YT. Rediscovering some emotive bangers from my relative youth. Also discovering an absolute magic track that I’d never heard before from one if my old favourite groups.

The lyrics going “deep into my heart” which is exactly what I’m all about. Quite literally digging deep into my heart indeed.

And you know what, I’ve been hesitant to actually listen to it more. Just because it cuts so deep. The revelation here being that I’m still afraid of going back to that dark place again. Still afraid of reliving that pain.

Last time I spoke about getting back on FB as soon as I’d finished and published my latest track. Didn’t happen. I sat there thinking “how do I come across” and felt an inner cringing. Don’t want to do it yet.

An idea came into my head the other day. Maybe the voice inside my head is not me or my thoughts and ideas, my words. But maybe they are the sum of all the voices of other people.

Always sounds like someone else trying to tell me something. Usually unkind words. Trying not to give a shit but the feeling of discomfort persists.

I do want to give a thank you to the first YT commenter to have posted some kind words on my latest track. In truth it didn’t turn out to be the masterpiece I was hoping for. But I listened to it on the way to the pub and it’s growing on me.

Perhaps it is a good track after all, fit for public consumption. I had begun reworking an older track, the first track I really thought would turn out amazing only to be disappointed with it.

And it’s still sounding crap tbh so I’ve abandoned it for now and just started on a new track. Back to the experimental 7/4 rhythm which worked well on one of my favourite old tracks.

Ah yes I’ve gotten used to being unhappy again because at least I actually feel something and it gives me a reason to be.

My reason to be remains now to achieve the state of being able to express myself in public and not be afraid of how I’m to be judged. But then you might ask what the hell would I actually care about expressing then?

Well then I might have something like a normal life of normal experiences to talk about. Sounds terrible doesn’t it?

No, what makes me happy is to feel desire for something, anything that wins my heart and what makes me feel good is that which allows me feel those feelings. I’m not going to change who I am for those who care about me enough to not want me to be unhappy.

I’d rather be unhappy. Rather that than actually sort out my life and solve my problems.

Well this is me, the special snowflake that won’t ever do what others consider to be normal or healthy. The foundation of me as it were, the eternal loner and loser, the freak that no one understands or wants to get close to.

I suppose this is the one of the big reveals that I should embrace when it comes to learning how to be myself. The kind of thing I probably knew all along but struggled to accept.

If that still sounds like the unkind words of an unkind society, well maybe I have come to own them now and take my place in life that only I can take. Until I get bored enough to try something different.

Getting healthy and happy will always feel like a betrayal of who I am and who I’ve been for soon to be 42 years. Pretending to be otherwise to please others, or more precisely to fend off worry and anxieties, that is the part of me I’m better off without.

Is this something I need to communicate up front to everyone? If you see me unhappy and think you should do something to help, don’t bother. I’ll only feel worse and I’d resent you for it.

Because such concern only ever makes me feel an even bigger loser. A pathetic sad act.

Such situations, only the demons can help me, make me feel better. They know me so well.

Yeah, depriving yourself 99% of the time makes that 1% so very special and meaningful. Except when it doesn’t.

As far as personal growth goes, I would never have written this kind of stuff without having gone through what I have. Acceptance comes slowly to someone as intolerant as I.

Actually speaking the words is another matter entirely. I don’t wish to speak them, ever. But perhaps I will in time.

Life has rarely been easy, now more than ever. But it has never been more meaningful. I have never been more meaningful. If that sounds like a wanky thing to say, well I’m very much not sorry.

It’s never been harder to achieve the things I actually want in life, never been harder to understand what I actually want in truth. It’s never been easier to hide away under a layer of falsity and obscurity.

Easy is not the answer.

Hard is the dream and it may never be fulfilled. Some things in life are too fucking hard to bear. What remains is the pointless void.

And so I’m beginning to enjoy venting once more.

Think it’s worth admitting now that it may be impossible for me to fully not give a shit about what people think of me but then that’s what gives me a reason to become a better person and keep growing into the best version of myself.

Keeps me striving to do better at everything I actually do. Keeps me striving to be a better blog writer. But there’s that stuff that only belongs to me and will never be shared. Can’t be shared tbh. But wouldn’t be shared even if they could. The content of what I actually experience.

Oh how torturous it is to dwell on the grief of the lost joy of the past, and how I would do nothing to fix the errors of my ways.

Well ok, I am trying but pride gets in the way.

I have known the most joy it is possible to feel and I have no choice but to seek it here and everywhere. Never settle for anything less than perfection. That God-like status. Calmness only comes from knowing that it is around the corner.

Can you make me feel like a God? Even just for a short time? I would settle for feeling like a decent human being. Not for long though.

But then it might be nice if I could make myself feel that way. Alas objective reality does not furnish that feeling very often. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I had the balls to claim some sort of Christhood in public?

Let’s not laugh about this, it’s a serious matter. Until it isn’t.

How to sum up this blog post?  Well everything missing in my life is that which I’m too afraid to go for. But I’ll make a start by saying that which needs to be said.

That I only love and trust myself now but then that was probably always true. No, I loved and trusted those who suffered with me.

Only the most special person on Earth can win my heart, which is why I still grieve for her.

She taught me how vital it is to love and trust yourself. If only I had learned the lesson a bit earlier.

But then again, I’m never going to change. Never going to treat myself anything other than badly.

The suffering is the definition of my existence and the key to my heart. I’m going to have to communicate my suffering to let anyone into my heart again.

Writing about my suffering makes me feel good. I should do it more often. Fuck what that makes you feel, it’s my blog. Suffer with me and I am yours forever.

Thank you for reading as always. Give yourself a pat on the back if you do. I’d like to think it isn’t an easy read. Kudos if you make it easy xx