Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Greetings and time for another blog. Bit overdue, this one. Not that I have that much to talk about at the moment.

It is my birthday tomorrow and I have little motivation to do anything birthdayish. Just keeping on the quiet. Me time with the PS4 and whatever else I actually feel like doing.

New track dropping soon. Pretty much ready for the arranging and crafting into an actual tune. It’s sounding ok actually. Possibly one of the cleanest sounds I’ve produced.

It was a difficult start but I’ve got it to a good sound now. That being said there’s no great emotional core behind it, I’ve really just been calmly working on it during those few occasions I feel like dragging away from the gaming.

If it has a theme then it’s probably disassociating away from the world and being lost in the fog of emptiness. Not sure if it’s particularly emotive or banging, just calmly melancholic.

Still there is a path to take and I’ll continue to meander towards it. My aims now are to be back socialising again, however I don’t plan on advancing it until 2025 because why not.

I do like being on my own after all now. Finally booked some time off work.  Now that my colleagues have gained further accreds and can shoulder some of my work stuff. In other words they can cope without me, the world won’t end if I take time off.

Would have gone out earlier this weekend. Friday was a bust from the start as I had to be up and able in the morning. Saturday I planned to go out and just forgot.

Sunday I had tried, thought I’d left it too late, then realised the clocks had gone back so I had time but just couldn’t be arsed.

So tonight it is, last lie in before going back to work. Though I still feel vaguely sleepy.

Have spent some time with family today with a halloween party for the little ‘uns. I very nearly opted out and hid away in my room but eventually came down and joined in.

Saturday was a bit rough actually. A big, loud party at the town park and there is still a part of me that wished to be a part of it.

Going to the pub does still give a potential openness to possibility of having a good social time. The pub I’ve come to tonight is completely empty.

Could venture further into town and find somewhere that has a modicum of life on a monday night. But I didn’t really plan on that, tonight was just about getting out and writing, endulging in some self-reflection.

I did have another dream last night. An interesting one that actually shed some light on things. I do believe dreams are the unconscious brain’s way of expressing itself. In typically cryptic fashion, perhaps to engage with the conscious mind and prompt a dialogue.

Don’t need to go into details but I was left with a deeper understanding of why I got hurt so badly and why I shut myself away. What really bypassed all of my psychological defenses and left me in a frozen state of terror.

That having taken a direct hit that punctured my stored up negativity, and without having the means to express it normally, I would deliberately and elaborately ruin anything and everything. Become my own worst enemy and demon to actualise the fear and terror.

Make the worst case scenario a reality because then I might actually have to do something and finally face up to it all.

The noble but still unhealthy notion that it’s better to hurt alone than risk hurting anyone else. Because that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to handle. No it’s easier now to be alone.

Perhaps then a familiar tale of woe. Not particularly new or original. What of this demon I keep talking about? It doesn’t sound like I’ve really tamed it.

Just avoiding it like always. I mean I’d like to conquer it obviously because it has such a massive impact on my life. But then we probably all have them, don’t we?

I guess mine has always been that little bit deeper, broader and more complex. But I should just be honest and come to terms with who I am. A firm back seat for all those mad notions of becoming a perfect individual with no mental health issues.

I do feel like this latest dream’s cryptic message was deciphered and it could be an important breakthrough. Not to say it’s been solved to a decent degree. I wished for things and still feel like those things would be needed to be happy again. The difference now is that I’ve been through the shit and readjusted.

Depending on your opinion whether it’s good or bad, I have only become more myself than ever before, less fawning and more aloof. It was perhaps the realest me to be so utterly self-absorbed and even aristocractically intolerant. Everything I loathed when I saw it in others.

We all have our insecurities and inadequacies, our problematic histories that make us who we are, good and bad. There are still evils and horrors in the real world that should be fought against. At least for those of us who believe in human morality.

What is my life about now? Why am I still here? Well it’s what we have and what is inherently meaningful. The meaning has changed now but it will always be so.

I think I always wanted, no, needed, to live by my own rules and values, whatever they may be at the time. As far as I’ve been able to be flexible, whatever I can get away with. Why?

Because, as I’ve said many times by now, I’m trapped in a vicious contradiction of too much and not enough.

There is no Goldilocks Zone for me. The best I can do is to occasionally do the right thing while begrudgingly hating the world. Spreading the love only when I get what I want.

This is how I approach things now. The best that I can so is to keep working on myself to become a better person. But you know, the best jobs in the world are those that you can milk for all they are worth.  I mean milk it to the point it never really gets done.

Yes I actually enjoy drinking a few drinks and writing about myself. I’m not sure if I want it to end. I say this frankly because of how much better I am doing now. I can willingly prolong this protracted battle because it’s just fucking nice to take the time.

I should do this more often tbh. I have had plenty of stimulation, enough to feel the benefit of this me time.

Self-image will always be an issue. And it’s heavily influenced by others. I’ll only really be ready to be social when I feel cool enough and nit feel like a loser. It’s always been the observation that those who are unafraid to lose are those least likely to lose.

Those who live their lives and can deal with everything life throws at them. Talking about normal people here, whatever normal means. I don’t want to be normal but I still want those means to live life that everybody else has.

I must be realistic and ask what should I actually pursue and where can I find a place to excel and be successful. Where do I go to win? Because I’ll always need to win. Or at least give an admirable performance.

These questions in life, I keep hearing the same response. “Only you can do that.” “No one can tell you that but you.”

Well yeah but I only listen to myself anyway.  Not usually a very nice conversation to have.

I’m only too aware that such selfishness draws criticism, the same I would levy against anyone else. I don’t really have any kind of real relations with anyone these days because I chose myself at the end of the day.

And why not? Didn’t feel like anyone else was going to choose me. And why would they?

How to fulfil the important task of patting yourself on the back while continually demanding better? When every day is a struggle of some sort? I always tell myself what a shit hand I’ve been dealt with to justify what I do while I know it’s just excuses for every for every inaction.

Time to be brave. Time to say fuck it.

And by time I really mean 2025 because I’m so fucking tired. Always fucking tired. It’s my life and these are the rules I set. More time is needed, more work to be done. More energy, more motivation, more, more, more.

At some point you have to say it’s not working, or it’s working perfectly to keep the excuses and the sense of control in place.

The coward dies a thousand deaths and never lives. The hero dies but one death and is remembered forever. You all can tell which one I’d prefer but also which one I’ve had to settle for.

I only wish to break free from this contradiction and burn like the brightest star. For so long as I am trapped in this cowardice I will continue to disconnect from everyone and dissociate further into my own solipsistic adventures.

At some point the outside world does need to give me something positive before I give something back but you know, I’d rather rebuild myself within it and rule myself within it.

Thanks for reading as ever xx