Abscissa – Autism and Techno Blog

Well hello and greetings, it’s been a while. It seems like I have little to talk about. So when I say this might be a hard blog to write, thats mostly why it’s hard.

I mean I have some feelings to ponder and discuss but on the whole I don’t feel that much of anything these days, except a bit of back pain and leg pain.

I do certainly feel much more emotionally secure these days, which is good. But then there’s the usual sense of emptiness to go along with it. Just more comfortable with it now.

Lesson one perhaps, on the long old journey of self-discovery and mental health. If not lesson one then one of the early ones, definitely. Try not to hold on to expectations and make each day anew.

I think it was always going to be the case that trying to remove the expectations also served to remove any sort of hope. Any sort of dream of a better future.

I don’t really want much of anything and dont hold aspirations to anything. That way nothing can go wrong, of course.

Yabber, yabber, the only way you fail is by not trying, etc, etc. If at first you don’t succeed and so on.

I’ve spoken before about the neurodivergent lack of dopamine, chemical motivation in the brain. It is fair to say that without that drive and ambition, life is just so very tiring. Day after day, just keeping going, surviving.

The abyss stares back at you with menacing intentions. Any time I’ve ever spoken about being too tired to do anything, it’s twice as bad now as it ever was. Because now I have to do what I need to do without any meaning.

Without knowing why.

And so, the reason I am out tonight trying to write and get to the point. It might upset those who know me, but I only have one real aspiration in life, and that is to finally be able to go non-verbal, at least for some decent amount of time.

To not have to communicate anything at all in words. To have not have to talk. To disconnect from everyone. It would mean having to be completely good and well by myself.

All I am is a long collection of ghosts of how things used to be. Those ghosts would continually haunt me so long as I remain anchored in the social world.

Alternatively, if I can’t disconnect, then maybe I’d like to communicate only by some very dark and disturbing spiritual ritual practise that would scare the shit out of everyone.

It was always a thought that held some dark humour to it, but I must say I have been increasingly drawn to the idea for some time.

It may look to the outside world like this is a return to a state of depression. But I’ve been depressed before, this is different. This is me taking more control over my feelings and taking responsibility for the happiness and sadness I bring to myself.

This is me “growing” I think, just not in the same way anyone else does. Hopefully it’s going to be in the way I choose. Though I can’t necessarily say it’s a completely free, balanced choice.

But in the manner of who I am and who I became following the struggles of life so far.

I am already starting to grow sick and tired of scrolling through the FB algorithm, particular sick and tired of the modern day meme culture. If I hate the thought of human communication at the moment, it’s probably because of what I’m actually getting at the moment.

Those who communicate things I like, they are who I’m looking for now. But then I have to go out and make myself available again.

I don’t know if I’d call this a barrier now. That’s the difference. This is me saying I don’t want to rather than I can’t.

So, to answer the question of “what the fuck should I do now?” To revisit the age old question of “who do I want to be?”

The same person I always wanted to be but didn’t have the ability or the courage to try. Quite simply the coolest person you’ll ever know.

I don’t know if cool is a very cool word to use these days. I don’t know what the word is if not. What I mean to say is the opposite of who I used to be. A desperate loser who sold himself down the river for the merest crumb of friendly attention.

Needy loser. Manipulative and controlling in a manner that became more and more out of control.

It’s worth saying that I wouldn’t have ever gotten to this position of growth without becoming that loser.

I think what few people will understand is just how much it is a binary choice, to choose myself over others or to choose others over myself. I can’t do both without sacrificing any sort of individuality as I can’t manage such conflict.

But this blog is not about saying “I can’t”.

Truth is I simply don’t care about what I can’t do anymore, it’s not in the fucking plan.

When I talked about being cool, that meant not caring what people think or say about me and not bending or swaying in the court of public opinion. And I don’t mean that in the right-wing amoral fuckery sense.

What I think of as cool only really transcends anything in popular culture and sits beyond social norms. The last few years have only ever pushed it further and further away from society.

The only thing holding me back from reengaging and progressing now, mentally at least, is that I don’t really want to care about anything that would distract from my own pursuits.

Rest assured, there’s nothing villainous about me in this so-called “villain era”. I’m just putting myself first because I have to live with myself.

I already believe that my taste in music is much cooler than anyone else and that’s why I only share music on FB at the moment.

What’s stopping me from actually being cool? The only real demon that sits on my back with it’s claws dug in deep. Monumental self-consciousness that overwhelms to the point of fundamental inhibitions.

And you know alcohol is the only treatment that has ever worked. I don’t wish to rely on it as it is still a poison. No, it’s time for me to put that shit in a big bonfire and burn it. And maybe do a ritual dance to some deity I don’t believe in for the sake of not giving a shit.

I say this because I know in my heart that I want to experience life from every perspective. I want to be every possible version of myself. I want to know what it’s like to be so confident as to border on egomania.

I want to experience everything that has been denied thus far and feel the opposite end of the spectrum. But I can’t deny that I just feel more comfortable in quiet solitude. I’m still too fucking tired to try anything.

It’s my fault and no one elses that I always feel like shit and there are changes to be made, more work to be done. Habits to quit. A scary world to face naked and alone. A new world I’m not ready for and never will be until I escape myself and try.

Without hope and expectation? Without knowing which future is mine? Without belief in anything?

I must continue on the quest but I must confront what I have been avoiding and grit my teeth for what is the hardest battle I have ever faced. To fundamentally change the essence and fabric of my reality and escape my personal prison.

But like everything I do, I will take my time to do it in the most artistic, interesting, and beautiful way I can.

For therein lies the core of me that desires to outgrow this useless, dead shell and burn brighter than anyone else.

You know, deep down, I sense what it is. I have to be ok and comfortable with people not liking me. Why did I always struggle with this? Why could I not tolerate it? Why is it so important?

Well probably cause genuine affection has been pretty thin on the ground. Well so what? I was a bit of a loser anyway. Why would people like me, when they dig deeper and find it’s just a mask?

I dug myself and found there was nothing behind the mask other than darkness.

It is time to come out from behind the mask. It’s for the first time in my life, more important that people know who I really am than paint a pleasing picture.

So basically, I have to learn how to deal with not being liked and say it’s ok. But I’m still aiming to be the most likeable person you’ve ever met. While secretly elevating myself above social normality.

Yes, I’m not a normal person, never have been, and don’t ever want to be.

Thanks for reading, as always I write this blog under the assumption no one does but I appreciate anyone who does xx