Work in progress

Finally relaunching this blog after 2 years. So much to talk about.

It is after the most painful year of my life that I begin to realise how important is to be honest with myself and be comfortable expressing how I feel and how I experience the world.

I was diagnosed with ASD formerly Aspergers at the age of 35. I’m understanding now that my diagnosis was important but it shouldn’t define who I am.

A lifetime of hiding behind coping strategies has meant that I was hiding from myself and hiding from living my life itself. I was controlled by my anxieties rather than taking control of them.

Living your life ultimately means learning about yourself. Who you are. Why you do what you do. What works for you. What helps you. What hurts you. What gives you meaning. What you are capable of. Who to share your life with.

My autism and social anxiety means that every social interaction carries the crushing pressure of a life or death situation where the worst case scenario is something much worse than death, an intolerable pain that must be avoided at all costs.

I’ve been through that pain recently and have been thinking a lot about the fear associated with it.

Pain and fear exist in us for a specific reason. To avoid that which harms us. The brain rewards us for escaping harm as it should, but as long as the perceived threat remains, avoidance becomes addiction.

I don’t know if I’ll ever fully overcome the fears that I live with but the brain is the most powerful weapon we have. I’m doing the work now to fully explore and ask the most fundamental questions.

What am I afraid of.? Should I be afraid? How far can I go before it’s too much? I need to learn so much about living and I need to live so much to learn.

The best advice I can give to anyone who struggles is that we are all a work in progress, that learning life’s lessons is always the best path to take.

Always go easy on yourself, give yourselves as much time and space as you need to process and heal.

Most crucially of all, don’t force things. Don’t pressure yourself because pressure reinforces fear.

I’ll be writing about all that interests me in my own Byzantine style as I become my own psychoanalyst.

Thanks and kind regards to those who are reading.