It should come as a surprise to no one that I haven’t done anything productive since turning 40. But I’ve reached a new level of understanding who I really am.
I understand now that I will always be a dreamer who lives only in the subjective world of my own reason and imagination, living only for the search for meaning.
It isn’t in anyway useful or important to me to live in the real objective world. My history has always been one of fantasy narrative and living a life that serves a deep purpose.
I was in love with my best friend for 3 years and I never asked her out or pushed for anything more than the friendship that I needed. All that time I was fulfilling the narrative that we were a family, the family that I had wanted.
Caring and acceptance and belonging. I was part of the real world by forging a personal connection. But in my head we were in a relationship of sort that gave my life meaning.
Upon hearing that she didn’t think of me as any more than a friend and she had pushed me away to send me a message, my whole reason for living collapsed.
I tried my best to stay friends but I doubt that either of us really knew if we wanted to stay friends and left it up to each other.
The truth was that no, I didn’t want to stay friends because being friends for the sake of it means nothing to me and I’m just anxious about being in the moment without dreaming of fulfilment.
I know that I was living a false existence and though I was being myself I wasn’t honest about my intentions and I had submitted out of fear to pretend that I was a loyal friend when I always needed more.
Ultimately when I was diagnosed with ASD and I made new friends at the hub, I thought these were my people and I belonged. It was only that way because I was masking and repressing to fit in. My autistic friends weren’t like me at all and that’s why I never fully actualized and continued to live behind a wall not letting anyone see.
A new theory I’m digesting is that behind all the social anxiety is that I haven’t self-actualised and I never learned how to apply myself in the real world.
I live in a world of my own mind that is not connected to reality because my inner world was never mirrored by those around me as I developed in childhood. I’ve never seen my inner world have any impact on the outer world so I don’t believe my actions will affect anything.
The real reason I’ve never believed in myself is that actually I don’t believe the real world reacts to me in any way that benefits me. My hopes and desires are just not reflected anywhere outside and everyone else seems determined not to let me have any effect on them.
How will I thrive when my brain is wired to only be good at the subjective understanding but not the objective action?
What do I have to contribute to society except for philosophising and imagining? Something that only serves escapism from reality as a unique and intangible vision.
I’ve gone into INFJ territory and have finally found people who are like me. One in particular who seems to share the exact same issues. Another who thinks the things I think but is not afraid to say them and be controversial.
Does it feel like seeing people who genuinely are like me sharing themselves and their thoughts will help me to finally see myself mirrored in the objective world? Maybe.
As of the present moment I’m learning that I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t going to respond to me in a meaningful way.
I’m also focussed on doing what I want and saying what I want. Empowering myself to actually put myself out in the world and look towards getting what I want in life, never settling for anything less.
I’ve spent far too much of myself people pleasing and now I want to develop the inner narcissist that exists within me.
Yes, I’m either a narcissist or a people pleaser. Never anything in between. I don’t and never will be one of those guys that takes and takes and abuses and demands and controls others to get I want but I do want to become completely full of myself.
I guess I see the experiences of people like me and realise that the world will never see who we are unless we scream and shout for attention.
Doing the right thing has always been a prime motivator and I drive myself to be the best at doing the right thing. Ironically, I’m probably more secure than most when it comes to it. I don’t really need much from anyone and I can and do exist alone and will keep doing so if it comes to it.
I define the world I live in and I define success in my own terms. It’s only in the presence of others do I obsess over judgements and that’s because I don’t feel good in the objective world.
The important message to take home is that I don’t thrive among other people and my life won’t be a success until I learn it’s ok to live my own subjective existence.
I can be the wise man who sees things no one else can and not really care if anyone else agrees with me. To actually manifest myself in the world means making my own narrative more important than anything else.
This is what I do best, questioning and pondering the meaning of existence and humanity. Not merely doing stuff because everyone else says doing stuff is useful and important.
This is the journey I’ve been on my whole life. All the time I spend in my room not doing stuff has been to build the picture of everything. Every moment a paragraph in the story that connects to the next.
It’s all been leading to here. How the fuck can I actually connect with the world and manifest myself? What does it all mean? Why am I here? Who really cares? Who has the answers?
It’s all going to come from within, nothing anyone else can say or do for me will ever be the answer. I must find my own way and live the life I choose.
I hope that I can contribute by inspiring others to do the same. It’s the biggest gift I have to give, to help people find their own way, their own meaning.
I live in service only of those who can say that I mean something to them. They who demonstrate that I exist in the objective world by responding to what I have to offer.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done bad and hurtful things but it’s better to know you can rather than think you can’t. Trust me on this.
It’s about self-respect at the end of the day and without it I’m going to remain a sad, pathetic wretch who doesn’t matter. And if I don’t trust myself when I say this, then I am truly nothing.
Thanks as always for reading. Video blog should be in this week weather permitting. Until then x
Jamie's Blog 