Turning 40 on the morrow. FML as they say. Been looking towards the big picture. Asking myself what am I really going to do with my life.
Creative exploits are nice. Working on a techno track which is gearing up to be my magnum opus. Planning on turning all the tracks into a concept album, telling the story of my struggles this past year and a half.
I want to carry on doing what I’m enjoying at the moment while keeping an eye out for opportunities to grow by overcoming hardship.
I continue to slavishly devote most of my attention to empowering myself and learning to defeat the anxieties. To stop caring what people think of me and display my true self at any cost.
I’m moving away from seeing myself in terms of autism and begin to approach life as just doing whatever I do and not making excuses. Not look to hide away from negative assumptions.
It was and is the case that I need to fully understand myself, what I can and can’t do. How to get the best out of myself and when to step back. Defend myself where I need to.
Maybe I’ve been so afraid because I live under so many assumptions that really come from the way others see me. I’ve never been able to really look at myself and judge myself honestly.
I am so very different to everyone and I’ve never truly met anyone who really thinks the same way and sees the world the same way. It can be a lonely place when you are different.
The hardest lesson I’ve learned so far is simply that no one cares. People are interested but they don’t really care. They are just being themselves. They don’t expect to be challenged or confronted about anything important.
They care in the way such that no one wants to be alone in the world and we all exist only to give us someone to talk to. People say “you do you and I’ll do me” and we all just do our thing.
What brings us together it seems is a mutual dislike for conflict and so we don’t talk about stuff that really matters.
I’m going to have to plough my own way through life and that means creating my own environment that benefits me. They say that people don’t care if you fail and they’re more worried about themselves anyway.
I have to be ok with failing so long as I learn the lesson and keep growing. I have to be ok with hurting people so long as I learn the lesson and keep growing.
I have to be ok with telling people when they hurt me otherwise they won’t understand. I have to be at peace with my dark side to be able to be at peace with other people.
Reconnecting with the desire to help people and be of service to the common good but at the same time I want to show my subversive opposition to everything in the world that depresses me.
Had planned to go away this week and take some leisure time. Couldn’t really be arsed to make it happen. Might look out for a last minute booking and go for a couple of days.
I should have taken the opportunity to experience somewhere different and be away from the usual backdrop I’ve grown so tired of.
There is still work to be done and I find it hard to drop everything. It’ll be good to take a break from work but I think I just want to stay in and keep on letting my mind wander towards a better tomorrow.
What good is it going away somewhere when I still don’t know what I want to do?
I guess I want to be able to look for social opportunities but to feel bulletproof wherever I go. To find someone interesting enough to care about while feeling like they can’t ever hurt because I can be in control of my mind and I can say I don’t need anything from you that would make me vulnerable.
I’m looking for that iron will that says “I am here to do something I like and if I don’t like it I can go somewhere else”. I should also know what I’m looking for and stay open to opportunity.
Times like these I do ask myself “What am I afraid of exactly?” What is it that I’m so scared of losing when I don’t feel like I have much worth keeping.
It’s better to give myself away than have it taken away but either way I lose myself and I don’t believe anyone is worth losing myself over anymore.
I guess that it what means to stop caring but I want to keep caring, just not at my own expense.
Perhaps I was never truly authentic in any of my social groupings. I did my best but I didn’t have the mental strength to be authentic and people liked me more when I cared.
At least I imagined they did. Actually only a select few people who I felt good to be around made it easy for me to be myself.
My loyalty burns strong in this state but it quickly dissipates under conflict.
I think being reborn at 40 will hopefully turn the tide so I embrace being unique, different, unusual, edgy, subversive, etc. while never feeling the need to conform because that just doesn’t appeal.
Not a fan of mantras normally but I say I’d rather be alone now than ever pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. Long may it be the case.
I need not be alone in the modern world of online connection but I can be picky and selective about who I dedicate my time to.
And in any case I’ve got a rich inner world to tap into and I hope to create my own worlds to enrich my soul and embiggen the spirit.
I’ve not explored enough in my life. Rarely felt the need to but life was so much more full when I did.
Yep, knowing that my life is far too dull and that I need to try new things that don’t feel comfortable at first, it takes bottle and drive.
To expand the point I’m trying to make, we live in a society where everyone loves to tell their story and everyone wants you to tell yours, but that’s as far as it goes when it comes to it. The full content of your story is of little genuine consequence.
As long as you tell your story people are happy but does your story actually matter to anyone else? I feel compelled to say it shouldn’t but we all need someone to listen.
If that was all that mattered was there any point to telling it? I only know that I needed to start listening to myself despite how painful it was.
I like very much for people to hear my story more than I ever have before which is a good sign. Though I would prefer it if it’s from genuine interest rather than just having someone to talk to.
I don’t know what to expect tomorrow. It will be lovely to see family but there will be some darkness as I still miss my old friends. Very tempted to get hammered and dance with the demons.
Why not begin my life anew with a brand new dark ritual? Set a new tradition to celebrate victory over the old ways. Get in touch with the my demonic alter ego and scheme the undermining of pointless morality.
Big thank you for reading as ever
Jamie x
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