Got some stuff to work through tonight. Been feeling low for quite some time and don’t really know where to turn.
I’ve some progress with regards to knowing that I need to lay some ghosts to rest. Some deeply held pain keeps me stuck and I need to work it back into focus. I don’t think I can just get out of my system.
But yes my self-esteem is still shattered by the way things happened. Particularly the way it felt like all my friends one day woke up and told themselves that I was a threat to them and they could just drop me from their lives as if I was just a piece of trash stuck to their shoe.
I understand that I had a lot of negativity and it was probably for the best. And I’ve got my own way of looking at the world and my own expectations. I did feel betrayed and humiliated by those who dropped me when I had put so much of myself into friendship.
I only ever demanded loyalty when I was feeling abandoned and I’d stopped feeling that life was worth living.
And yet of course people are who they are and I couldn’t control the feelings and intentions of others.
And thus I needed some form of assurance and predictability in order to overcome my anxiety. I have to understand the minds and wills of others otherwise I will do what I ended up doing which was to hollow myself out and be left with nothing but hurt.
So to learn the lesson of the last two years. I know that I need to find some way around my anxiety and take back some control of myself.
It’s difficult now to admit that I can’t surround myself with people like them anymore. I don’t feel like I can ever be comfortable around someone if they have any fears at all.
I am and always have been inspired only by the most fearless individuals and yet everyone has these deep insecurities. Ultimately I will find myself at the mercy of anyone who has anxieties. I will wish to help them so dearly and they will never like how deeply I will look into their soul.
At this horrible time where everything is doom and gloom people look to solidarity and support and no one seems to ever be able to help me when I need it.
It saddens to me say but I don’t feel like I can look my old autistic friends in the eye and say I care about them anymore. I was never cut out to be friends unless I felt cared about and I always people to put their words into action.
I don’t really want to share my autism anymore because it feels distinctly like I’m hollowing myself out again for others benefit. Ever since I got diagnosed I’ve been paddling further and further into the chaotic flow of how my brain works.
It’s gotten me nowhere. I just want to forget about everything and let myself go.
The lesson I’ve been struggling so painfully with is that it’s ok to stop caring about someone if they’re not willing and able. And if someone stops caring about me I shouldn’t take it personally and I should have realised that I wasn’t willing to learn the lesson that came my way.
It might help me to deal with social anxiety if I knew that most people aren’t really worth investing in. I’ve no desire to be normal to fit in and I never really cared about anyone who doesn’t see things with the same intensity.
What do I want to do with my time that feels like is of sufficient worth. That maybe doesn’t cause me any anxiety, that feels safe to engage in but can satisfy my mind?
That isn’t tainted with the present depression? That is new and exciting and fulfilling?
Doing things that I had previously felt would make me look bad in the eyes of others. Realising now that I don’t care for the judgements of those who have already shown me they’re not on my side.
Finding out who out of anyone is on my side can only be done by breaking the chains of inhibition and showing my true self.
I’ve noticed of course that I am drawn to and attracted to people who are different because they have strengths where I have weakness. I’ve come to hate those weaknesses in myself and now I’ve come to hate those qualities in others.
Therein lies the key to the mystery. I’ve always hated and feared and repressed my own dark side and nowadays I see it everywhere. It’s ok to have a dark side but everyone seems to hide theirs.
I can begin to control it by engaging it and recognising that I need not be afraid of it because I’m no longer invested in protecting those who seek to avoid the dark side of the human mind.
The truth that I’ve always understand but never been able to apply is that I need to be secure enough to be myself before I can be secure in any sort of relationship so I can appreciate and love what is different.
I want to be unafraid of being provocative and bold. Challenging people around me to be more interesting. I want to fully regain my perchance for subversion.
I don’t want to waste any more of my life analysing what went wrong. I don’t want to spend another minute thinking other people are better than me and that I should defer to their way.
Turning 40 next weekend. I’m conserving my energy until my week off work when I can really begin to activate. My birthday is the least important thing going on in my life and yet everyone seems to think I should make a big deal out if it.
Being able to communicate who I really am will help people to understand just how neurodiverse I really am and I hope I can inspire something in people, even if it’s only to confirm or deny whether anyone thinks I’m a good person or not.
Everyone who knows me says I’m a lovely person but I’ve had to put that mask on. People are just very cautious around me now that I’ve sporadically let my demons out. No one knows who I really am because I’ve locked so much darkness inside.
It’s not my nature to go out deliberately hurting people but it’s not to make people feel good either. The mission is to not to become someone else but to stop being afraid of becoming who I always should have been.
I’m not someone who learns lessons easily. Learn by doing. But some things I just can’t feel comfortable doing. The same stubbornness that has kept me miserable is the same that has kept me going and will keep me on the path to self-betterment and self-empowerment.
Embracing new ideas feels like surrender but I feel a demonic energy behind them and I like dancing with demons.
Much of what I’ve written recently has just been words. Time for action. It’s going to take all of my willpower but I won’t give up.
Thanks for reading. Warm regards.